Three Zero. Cycle 02: Chasing Amy.

So, couple years ago, I'm dating this chick called Laura, and wonder of wonders, things ain't workin' out.

I mean she tries to make things work, an' she tries hard, I don't get why she was in love with me (I never get why women fall in love with me anyway), but she was, and that's all that matters. I mean jesus fucking christ, she moved out of her place to be with me, an' all, and it cost her an arm and a fucking leg to get her own apartment. Honest! She loved her fucking place! And she left it all because of me.

But shit ain't workin' out, and it's all my fault.

Y'see, at that point in my life I'm still trying to come to terms with "The One Who Got Away". Y'dig? Almost every guy on the planet has one of those stories about one of those girls. You know the ones: That girl that just gets you. She gets you better than your friends or even your fuckin' mom and dad, she finishes your sentences, knows what makes you happy, and what makes you sad, and come your birthday or christmas, she always fuckin' knows the exact kind of gift that will make you flip your shit. Hell, if you were a fuckin' clock she could probably take you apart and put you back together in thirty seconds flat.

Because she fuckin' loves you. An' she's usually honest about that, there ain't any bullshit behind that, no hidden fuckin' agenda, man, she's just there for you.

But you know men, you know how we are, you know how we always got to take somethin' good and innocent like that and fuckin' wreck it, an' then we shit all over it, because that's what men do. Well we do that, and then a few years later, we make several emo, weepy, goopy blog posts, to just let some fuckin' steam out.

Most of us, anyway. There's men that know a good thing when they see one and care for their girl and never hurt her and never fuck things up.

Man I envy those fuckin' faggots.

But I digress. So, anyway, it's December 2008 and We're sittin' on the couch watching some movie, Aliens or some shit like that, I dunno. And then Laura asks me what am I gonna do for christmas, and I tell her I'm gonna do nothing. "Seriously?" She asks. "Fuckin' A." I tells her.


She asks me why and then I start ranting:

"I'm done with this christmas shit, because I'm fed up with my family's bullshit. They're a bunch of elitist fucks who've always made life difficult for every fuckin' woman I've ever gone out with. It don't matter if her income vastly oustrips my family's own, it don't matter if she's polite and gracious and is genuinely interested in meeting my family, they just won't open the door for her, because apparently we're some sort of golden fucking horde and no one's worthy of getting to meet us. Fuck it, my bitch of a cousin has insulted me and my mother, and jesus butt-fucking christ, even her fucking kids have insulted my mother, and you know what happens every damn time that bitch shows her face in her door? Mother dear opens the door and welcomes the bitch in.
MY EX NEVER DID ANYTHING TO THEM AND SHE STILL COULD NOT SET FOOT IN THEIR HOUSE! HOW FUCKED UP IS THAT SHIT, HUH? HOW IS THAT FUCKING FAIR? HOW IS THAT FUCKING NORMAL OR DECENT?
It's fucking hypocrisy, that's what it is. They are a bunch of hypocrites and their fucking holiday is too. Fuck them, and fuck their christmas. Once upon a time, I had the naïve notion that I could take the woman I loved to meet them, and I could have a nice, normal family, but that shit ain't happening and I'm sure as shit not exposing you to that, and no, I won't put up a fucking christmas tree and I'm sure as fuck not giving or receiving any god damned presents. What I'm gonna do is get shitfaced and watch Die Hard movies all day, that's my christmas day all planned out."

So she doesn't believe me for some reason. I guess she imagined that in the end I'd feel lonely and end up buckling and spending the holiday with my family. So she leaves on December the 24th, all smiles and says she's gonna be checking up on me, she then ruffles my hair and kisses my forehead like she's my fuckin' mom.

And I of course, stayed home, even though my mother left me like fifty fucking billion messages on my answering machine, I just kept giving the finger to the machine, I mean, yes, she's my mom and all that shit, I love her and I will care for her until either one of us drops dead, but there's just shit I will not put up with, and christmas is one of those things, I fucking hate it. Passionately.

So christmas eve comes and goes without incident, and come the 25th I'm just sittin' on my fat fucking ass watching movies and drinking like it's the end of the fucking world y'know, and by 6:00 p.m. I'm fucking plastered, seriously fuckin' drunk off my balls and as all drunks do, I start getting all sentimental and I go get my Kevin Smith DVDs.

I love Kevin Smith's movies, hell, Clerks 2 is one of my most favorite movies ever, so I put that motherfucker on, and as I'm finished watching that I put Chasing Amy in my DVD player.

Forty-five minutes later I'm crying like a little girl, 'cause Chasing Amy just gets to me y'know, it just pushes my buttons the right way, it disarms me, and reminds me what a fucking piece of shit I was and how I've lost that one chance to be happy, and it just fucks me up emotionally.

And in walks Laura, and witnesses that particular debacle.

And she's just bewildered because I'm a wreck, but she sits there with me, saying that everything will be o.k. and as time passes by and I sober up, she asks me just why I like that movie so much in spite of the fact that it destroys me emotionally. So I say: "Let it go, just please let it go, I never ask you anything, but I'm asking you now, don't do this, please."

But she insists.

So I finally relent and I show her why, and It's in fact very simple, I just show her my two favorite bits of dialogue:

In the first scene, Holden's just asked Alyssa why she chose him and amongst the things she says is this:

I'm not with you because of what family, society, life tried to instill in me from day one. The way the world is, how seldom it is that you meet that one person who just gets you - it's so rare.


And the other one is the Amy story, 'cause you know when Silent Bob finally opens his fucking trap, he's just going to lay some fuckin' wisdom on you:

Silent Bob: [to Holden, who has just revealed his trouble with Alyssa] You're Chasing Amy.
Holden: What? What did you say?
Silent Bob: You're Chasing Amy.
Jay: What do you look so shocked for, man, fat bastard does this all the time. He thinks just cause he doesn't say anything, it'll have this huge impact when he does open his fuckin' mouth...
Silent Bob: [to Jay] Jesus Christ, why don't you shut up? You're always yap-yap-yappin' all the time, you're givin' me a fuckin' headache. [to Holden] I went through something like what you're talkin' 'bout, 'couple years ago, this chick named Amy.
Jay: When?
Silent Bob: [annoyed] A couple of years ago? [to Holden] So there's me an' Amy, and we're all inseparable, right? Just big time in love. And then about four months down the road, the idiot gear kicks in, and I ask about the ex-boyfriend, which, as we all know, is a really dumb move, but you know how it is - you don't really want to know, but you just have to know, right? Stupid guy bullshit. Anyway she starts telling me all about him - how they fell in love, and how they went out for a couple of years, how they lived together, her mother likes me better, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah - and I'm okay. But then she drops the bomb on me, and the bomb is this: it seems that a couple of times, while they were going out, he'd brought some people to bed with them - ménage a trois, I believe it's called. Now this just blows my mind, right? I mean, I am not used to that sort of thing. I was raised Catholic, for God's sakes.
Jay: Saint Shithead.
[Silent Bob elbows him. Jay raises his fist as if to strike]
Silent Bob: [to Jay] Do something. [to Holden] So I'm totally weirded out by this right? And I just start blasting her - like I don't know how to deal with what I'm feeling, so I figure the best way is by calling her "slut", and tell her she was used - I mean, I'm out for blood. I really want to hurt this girl. And I'm like "What the fuck is your problem?" and she's just all calmly trying to tell me, like, it was that time, it was that place, and she doesn't think she should apologize because she doesn't feel that she's done anything wrong. And I'm like, "Oh, really?" That's when I look her straight in the eye and tell her it's over. I walk.
Jay: Fuckin' A.
Silent Bob: No, idiot. It was a mistake. I wasn't disgusted with her, I was afraid. At that moment, I felt small - like...like I'd lacked experience, like I'd never be on her level, like I'd never be enough for her or something like that, you know what I'm sayin'? But what I did not get - she didn't care. She wasn't looking for that guy anymore. She was...she was looking for me, for - for the Bob. But, uh, by the time I figured this all out, it was too late, you know. She'd moved on, and all I had to show for it was some foolish pride, which then gave way to regret. She was the girl, I know that now. But I pushed her away. So I've spent every day since then chasing Amy...so to speak.


"That's why" sez I as the scene wraps up and I pause the video. So she just looks at me and says: "So did something similar happen to you? Was that why, y'know?"
So I tell her that no, that's not exactly what happened, but, sez I: Sometimes the other person just seems so much bigger than you, and so much better, and so much more accomplished, and if you're a dumb shit like me, you lose confidence in yourself and maybe you start thinkin' that, since she's so much better and experienced than you, she's going to dump your inadequate, boring ass, sooner than later, and you lose sight of the fact that she's with you because she loves you, that she's with you for who you are and not what you are. So maybe you don't blow up at her like Holden or Silent Bob, maybe it just undermines your relationship, because you're too stupid to communicate with her. And you hurt her, big time, perhaps not through direct aggression, but through inaction and negligence, and no matter how much you say you love her, you're not showing her jack shit and in love it's vital you show, not tell.

And maybe she gives you chance after chance, after fucking chance because she believes in you more than you believe in yourself, and you throw it all away because you're a fucking moron. Until one day there's just so much more hurt than love, and she realizes that she deserves better, because lo and behold, you've not finished being a little insecure boy, and that you may posture all you want, but deep down you know you're an immature little shit. And she leaves. And gets over you.

And maybe you find someone else, and you sort of settle, because you don't want to be alone, because being alone is quite scary, and maybe after a decade or two you'll dream about her, maybe you'll dream about how she used to look at you like you were Captain Fucking Marvel or you'll remember how her hair used to smell, that mix between hairspray and perfume or how you always marveled how when you linked hands, hers fit perfectly in yours, and then you'll wake up, next to a complete stranger and wonder just how things went so fucking wrong, only to realize it's all your goddamn fault, and you deserve all the shit that's come your way.

And so one day you realize that maybe now you're mature enough, maybe you think now you deserve her, but buddy, it's too fucking late, and that's life.

And so, maybe one day you hear about this person, maybe you'll hear she's happy 'cause she's finally found herself one of those fabled "Real Men", and you'll still be happy, 'cuz, motherfucker, when you really, really, really love somebody, it don't matter shit if she ain't with you, all that matters is she's happy.

So Laura just sits through this spiel, and she isn't sad, she's not angry or disappointed, because she's like the god damned Batman, she's a rock, and she just takes it, because she knew what she was getting into when she started her relationship with me. She just goes to bed, and as we fall asleep, she hugs me, but I can't feel the love she so desperately tries to give me.

A few months later, the relationship ended and she left the country, I haven't been involved romantically with anyone since, and I don't think this will change anytime soon.

I'm too busy chasing Amy.